anxiety, chronic pain, Mental Health, not giving up, perseverance, update

More Changes

Having issues with anxiety and learning disorders can be hard. For me, I take a while to settle on majors because I do not know which kinds of classes I can handle. I thought a lot about my major and how hard it is for me to take in these details just for the biology class. I love it, but my brain cannot handle reading and processing the information. I realized that for me, I’d want more of a hands-on approach.

Because of these reasons, I have gone back to English as a major. I still want to pursue some knowledge of medicine and first aid since it intrigues me, and it is a wonderful thing to have. However, if I wanted to, I will go for a Medical Assistant Associate degree after I graduate if I still want to pursue it. However, if I fall in love with something else and find another career with my degree, I will go for either a first responder course or a wilderness first responder course. Either way, I think it’s a good thing to know in any situation.


So, for the last three weeks, I had been posting twice a week. Once with old discussion posts and then excerpts from the book I am writing. I will try to keep up with that, but It was initially because I was getting very anxious about my classes and work. That is why they were scheduled posts. Again, my blogs will comprise multiple things since I am so passionate about various subjects. I will try to make weekly updates about the story I am working on, but lately, I could not work on it.

I also have some “prepper” projects I am working on and my views on certain parts of that aspect and community. I will never write negativity because I love to spread positivity. I am also working on finally moving out with my partner, so I will post about that. Thank you again for liking and following my blog to all who have.

fiction, writing


She held out her hand and touched my cheek just as Melek would have done. A mother’s touch. “Young Jafar,” She whistled a soft tune and the legless reptiles retreated into small, black baskets which decorated the front of her house.

“You… are a snake charmer?” I asked softly.

“Yes, that is one of my many talents. I foresee great things from you, child. Though I also see a terrifying fate that you may already know of.”

Those words caused me to look up at her in amazement. She knew of the content of the dreams? Was she connected to me in some way? She put a soft hand under my chin and touched her soft lips directly in the middle of my forehead.

I suddenly found myself in a dark place. Treasure littered the ground and I saw an older version of myself on the ground glaring up at a handsome boy who seemed to be a few years my senior. Upon closer observation… it was the man whom was holding me as I laid dying. The man with the silver eyes.

“As you can see child, I have the ability to not only see the future but help young mages such as yourself to see and control visions you have only in your sleeping state.” Alia’s voice rang softly around the air. I walked towards my future self to listen to the conversation.

“You must be joking, I have tried to kill you. You wish me to follow you on your adventures across the seas? For what purpose? You have caught me and you should have gotten rid of me as I would have done to you!”

The handsome boy walked up with a kind smile on his lips. He put an outstretched hand towards my future self. “I do not wish to harm you Jafar. You have lived a hard life, and though you may look like a woman, I believe you can become a great man one day. Do you truly wish to live the life of an assassin for the rest of your days?”

“This decision will be one you must choose carefully. The fate you have prophesized will only take place if you choose one or the other. I imagine you will have about ten years to make the choice you wish.

Philosophy, spirituality, writing

“Evil is in the Eye of the Beholder”

The topic of “evil” is interesting to me. I love to write fiction, and my favorite thing to write for is the villain. Though through the years of attempting to develop the story, I love the most, I’ve realized “evil” is just a point of view. When one person thinks that murder (for example) is a sin, another may need to kill to survive an abuser. If all murder is wrong and evil, then why would the abused be forced to endure such abuse until they die themselves?

I was raised Catholic and was forced to go to Catholic school. I almost failed the “morality” class in high-school because I did not agree with almost everything I had learned. I knew in my heart being homosexual was not a sin, and neither was having sex before marriage. To me, it is all a natural thing and should not be condemned as “evil.” I did not know for sure at the time, but I ended up Pansexual, which means that I have no preference in gender or sex of a person… My current partner (and soulmate) is someone I fell for before I knew she was a female. I fell for her personality. How can something so natural be considered a sinful life?

To me, “evil” is doing something that hurts other or yourself knowing fully well what you are doing and doing it on purpose. If it is something used in defending yourself or another person or people it should NOT be considered evil. Instead it should be seen as it is. Defense.

As for “God,” my view is not the same as many. I believe that no religion is right or wrong. I believe all the gods exist in one or many various realms. I believe the Christian/Catholic/Jewish/etc God exists genderless in their own realm to watch over their followers. My personal pantheon involves Greek, Norse, Hindu, Egyptian, Lakota, and Japanese deities, (mostly Greek). I believe all the Greek (except maybe Hades) lives on Olympus. Hera is my matron while Poseidon is my patron gods. Ares shares me with my partner because he is my god-spouse (which means my astral body and soul is married to him on the celestial plane). I even have a few spirit guides such as Maui, Archangel Gabriel, and the animal spirits of sea dragon, cheetah, hawk, and crow. My belief is different because my feeling towards most of my pantheon is that they are like family to me rather than beings to be worshipped. Osirus and Hades in particular assist me in my journey of my various past lives.

While I believe all of this, I do not disbelieve in other people’s beliefs. My girlfriend’s roommate believes all the Gods exist as one being. I do not hate those who believe in other things, I simply believe something different than them. Coming back to the subject of evil however, I do believe that those who thrust their beliefs on others, act as if theirs is the only religion that matters, and those who kill for their faith is wrong and can be considered evil if they are doing things to hurt people either physically or mentally. I don’t think that evil is a matter of if God really exists, or if they allow it. The Universe, Spirit Guides, and Deities guide us and give us the free will to follow or not follow their teachings. I do not think it is fair to blame evil on the existence or non-existence of “God.” However, as I said before, evil can also be seen as simply a point of view.

As the quote goes, “Evil is in the Eye of the Beholder.”

fiction, writing

Dreams of the Destruction

I was being held down while that horrid serpent slithered freely. Ropes bound my feet and arms behind me. I was bruised all over and there were so many rogues surrounding me and laughing. What looked like a red and black beaten up turban was thrown from my head as my long brown hair fell in front of my face.

“How could you?” I pleaded. There was a man standing in front of me with black hair and seemed to be the leader of this den of thieves. He let out a chilling laugh. One that went right through to my bones. The men holding me kicked me a few times in the ribs as a punishment for my spoken words no doubt. The leader’s laugh subsided and he turned to me. I could not believe what I was seeing. This man had the same black hair, dark skin, and dark eyes… Kassim. What was going on? “You…you loved me once…”

“You should learn to stop being so naïve Jafar.” He said as he squatted down in front of me with a serious face. He had scars on his face and his clothes were ragged. “Do you really think I would allow the Royal Vasir of the King of the Seven Seas to leave the den of the 40 thieves on his own? Your heart has changed as has mine. This world is dark and lonely. We can only do things for ourselves. You hated your life as the Royal Vasir’s son and now you are the Vasir to the most famous King in all of Arabia. What a filthy hypocrite.”

“D…do what every you want with me Kassim… I do not know what happened to you but my wife and daughter do not deserve this. They are innocent and…”

“Innocent?” Kassim seethed. “We were innocent children once. Foolish lovers who thought we could live a life together. Then the real world fell upon us. Have you even told your loving wife and daughter the truth? I could imagine their devastation after finding out what had truly happened to your father, the Sultan, and the Prince that you served as a Vizier in training. Even the events surrounding your finding your precious King is shrouded in blood.”

“Silence! They do not need to know my past. I have put my past behind me.”

“Clearly.” My old friend said with a sinister smile. “Put it behind you so far you never even thought to make sure that I had gotten to a good place once I escaped. Had you ever even tried to find me?”

I felt myself going silent as the cobra hissed angrily at me before Kassim’s younger and more frantic voice awoke me from this trauma.

Mental Health, perseverance, Philosophy, spirituality

Free Will

I had spent many years in retail after obtaining an Associates Degree in General Studies. As my chronic pain condition (suspected Fibromyalgia) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder worsened it got harder and harder to handle it. I took an online course in freelance writing because I was so curious on if I was interested in this or not. At the time I realized that I was and enrolled in my local University, West Chester University of Pennsylvania. For two years I started to realize I could not handle commuting back and forth and upholding good grades full time so I switched to half-time.

I still struggled because of the long commutes, obligations from toxic friends who insisted on me giving them attention (I had finally gotten rid of them by now), and attempting to do work study along with classes. When I looked into SNHU I realized that this was honestly the easier way for me to learn. I have various learning disorders, and this program helps me in ways the other school could not. The program was better as well since I did not have to go through various language classes for an English degree.

Currently, I realized after attempting to do some freelance writing while I was in the market for a new job (which I finally achieved one) I realized that my love of writing was more-so on the casual pace. I love writing blogs and fictional stories, but the stress of attempting to find clients and such was just not for me. I had been able to get some experience in it, but I was not enjoying it like I thought I would. When I decided to go to Penn Foster alongside SNHU for Medical Administrative Assistant, I realized maybe I should get into the medical field. It had always interested me since I was a child. So, I am currently asking to change my major. I do not want to be a nurse or a doctor, but I do want to possibly work as a Medical Assistant (I’m not sure yet because of the physical demands), get EMS training (just for personal curiosity and want to help people in an emergency such as a natural disaster or something), etc. I want to start with the administrative level since a less physical job is perfect for my pain condition.

The reason I am sharing my story is because of this discussion topic. I did not have to go back to College. I could have just worked and worked until I was able to find something better. The reason I went is that I wanted to follow my dreams even if they are ever changing. English was not meant for me, but now I believe the medical field is. It interests me. When I was little I watched surgery shows. While my mother and Gram turned away, I was fascinated with the blood and how people were fixed up. Even the idea of doing sutures is interesting to me. (If I don’t end up going through EMS training I might get a training kit from Amazon just to see what to do. I won’t be the first to do it but if no one is around and its days or miles from help its good to know).

If I did not have “free will” I would have just done what my family wanted me to do and find some government job or live off of Social Security Disability after getting diagnoses (if that). I think that having free will or not having free will depends on the person. If someone does things because of their environment, because society says so, or because they don’t believe they are able to do anything else that no, they do not have free will. Someone brainwashed by friends, certain societies, even some extreme religious groups are not able to control their own actions. Stepping away from that and doing what “you” want and dream of is what gives free will. That is what I believe. Free will depends on your choices.

fiction, writing

Beginning of Fate

It was a few days after I had awoken from my comatose state. I was walking the halls of the Palace trying to refamiliarize myself with the ins and outs when I saw him. He was only about the age of ten at the time.

“Stop being so careless slave!” the brat of a Prince was forcing his personal guard to whip the young man to oblivion. The flogging was so hard and forceful that bits of flesh and blood littered the ground as if it were a scene of someone being killed. It turned my stomach to see someone being treated with such violence.

“W…wait! Leave him alone!” I exclaimed. It was the first words I had actually spoken since I had come back to the “life” as my father described it. Even from that young of an age, I felt as if any injustice should be dealt with. No one should live a life in fear or anguish.

“Jafar? You speak to me like this? I am your prince and you are meant to serve me as Vizier one day,” the pompous prince glared. “Shall I teach you a lesson as well?”

“I…um…” Since I was still so young and naïve I had not a clue what to say to Prince Haroun of Anfanka?

“What is going on here?” My father’s voice rang from behind me. “Jafar, what have you done to disturb the Prince?”

“F…father… why…. Is he hitting this boy?” I asked timidly. I feared my father just as much as I feared the Prince and the Sultan. I was a coward. A stain on the ideals of a future Vizier.

“Son, this boy has no rights. He is but a lowly slave boy of our Palace.”

“Then… why…why can he not… be my slave? I do not like how he is being treated,” I begged. I doubted that I would be able to get my way but something changed in my father’s eyes.“That is the best idea that has come out of your mouth in your entire life. Very well, I will ask permission from the Sultan and allow this boy to be yours. This will teach you what it is like to own slaves.”

Philosophy, writing

Reincarnated Souls vs Zombies

I’m not much of a fan of zombies, yet I love Resident Evil (I can only watch. I’m too much of a wimp to actually play). On a serious note though, since I think of the soul and the body as two separate entities, I think that an answer to the question is no. I believe that the human brain and body are really just vessels to hold the soul in the same way that all creatures are vessels for the soul.

My take on reincarnation, is that the soul is the part that is the real “you.” The many lives you live with the soul is what makes the being and the history of your true self. In every life, you are given a clean slate. A chance to make up for the good or bad karma from previous lives even if you do not remember it.

For me, all my life I felt empty as if something was missing. I never really felt like “myself” and instead compared myself to others, fictional or otherwise. The Catholic faith was not enough for me. It was hard to believe that when you die you just go to Heaven or Hell. It never made sense to me that this was my only chance at life. When I finally got out of Catholic School and searched around for an awnser I went through various beliefs. At first, I went strictly of the Wiccan faith and was mislead and manipulated by others. In the end, I finally broke away from them and realized they were simply blocking me from my full potential.

The first memory I had was a dream. I was angry at a King who had killed my lover. I still remember the robes he wore. Red with black embellishments. After this is when I realized I was the daughter of that King. Since then I have learned so many different lives my soul had lived. When that happened, that hole in my heart (or soul) felt as if it was filled. Even though those I called “friends” wanted me to move on from them, I felt a different way. As though these lives were part of my true self. I was not supposed to let them go. I was supposed to take hold of them, accept them as part of my personal path in the universe. This difference in opinion lead to my losing many friends, but then I found new ones. These new friends accepted me for who I was past, present, and future. I even found the soul of the person I have loved as far back as my memories took me. My “soul-mate” if you will. We talk about our memories as if they were simply part of our live. We banter about the old times, good and bad.

Because of these experiences, my personal belief is that the soul that lives through many lives is vastly different than the physical human body. I believe the soul takes hold of the entire being when a new life is born and that is why the Chakras develop. The energy one lets out through the chakras and soul is what makes a person a person.

With the idea of zombies, I think that it is simply the physical body. Whatever reanimates the body to become a “zombie” I think is very separate from the soul itself. The brain controls the physical body and without a soul, the body is just a body. Not a person. The self-awareness I feel comes from the soul.

fiction, writing

The First Dream

Hissss, Hissss,” the serpent spoke as it surrounded the bloody scene. Lifeless corpses littered the once pure white marble halls of this grand palace. Crimson painted the golden walls while fire and ash scattered the night’s sky blocking out every star that shone down upon the kingdom. The Cobra, regal as its namesake, slithered towards the center of the carnage which brought my attention to the equally royal human as he knelt before me.

            He was broken. Tears welled up in his perfectly grey eyes as he held my body close to him. The soft jingle of the gold decorating his ears and neck were enough to cause me pains in my chest stronger than that of my wounds. He had won his kingdom. Started out with nothing and I helped groom him to be the greatest King of the Seven Seas. Most of the jewels he wore were given to him as a gift. His long golden-brown hair fell from his perfect tie sopping up the thick liquid coming from my wounds.

Looking back on this pathetic life, there was so many things that I could have done differently. Especially when it came to those I loved. There was so much regret. It hurt me to hear him plead for my life. After all we had been through I had never lost the love I felt for him.

“Do not die on me. I forgive you so please do not leave me again.” His voice was just a whisper that went through my heart like a sharp needle. His tears were wasted. Why should he weep for me? All I had done was bring pain and trouble to him from the moment we met.

            “No, I cannot. After everything I have done I do not deserve it.” I murmured weakly.

            I felt the blood draining from my broken body. So… tired. His wet tears fell like an unsteady river as he cradled me.

“I will never marry.” He placed a warm hand on my cheek and kissed me tenderly as if to a sleeping newborn. “Never,” he repeated.

The serpent once more came into view as it coiled around my arm with his deadly fangs dangerously close to my jugular. It spoke to me in the softest voice that was almost inaudible. “Jafaaar…” she hissed. The next words I did not hear as the past slowly bled into the present.

fiction, Mental Health, not giving up, perseverance, stories, update, writing

Writing Fiction Again

Holidays are depressing when you don’t feel as if they love as much you as you want to be. I’ve been in a rut these past weeks which is why I could not write much anymore. However, now I’ve decided that I need to write again. Make money instead of being stuck in my room depressed because of lack of work. I love my job, but the lack of continuous hours hurts. I need to get out of here. This is why I’ve decided to focus on writing and fiction again.

Side Jobs

I will start my search for side jobs that will help me move. My partner and I are looking at apartments so we can move to get me out of this toxic environment. I will do my best to update my blog more often once again.


Since I enjoy writing fiction the most, I have decided that I will start by using the self-publishing platform on Amazon to publish novellas. This will allow me to keep the rights of the work so that once I am doing the series of novellas, I can put them in a larger book. I will base the novellas off the 1001 Arabian Nights.

Royal Vizier Diaries

They will be a series of stories through the eyes of Jafar. He begins his journey as the unhappy son to the Royal Vizier to a Sultan in Ancient Morocco. He is only thirteen when he explores his sexuality and romance with his personal servant Kassim which only ends in tragedy.

This is just the beginning of the boy’s long journey into finding out who he really is and the mysterious power that he has been given. It is meant to be an adult fantasy fiction work with homosexual relationships along with heterosexual. There is a lot of death and sex involved along with hard themes that will include trigger warnings at the beginning of those chapters.


This is one story in my mind which is close to my heart which is why I want to get it out in the open. Even with the tough themes, I will attempt to make sure that those specific chapters can be skipped if needed without losing story elements. I will add parts of the novellas as blog posts once a week for now on, and once I publish the first novella, I will advertise it here as much as I can.

I will also possibly work on some short stories I might try to get published in small magazines and such. I have already sent my first story off to Chicken Soup for the Soul so I hope that this can start my publications. I hope that you all keep following me and my journey. Thank you for all the support.

jobs, Mental Health, perseverance, update

New Lease on Life

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I had posted a blog post. The Mercury Retrograde hit me hard back then. I had such an emotional rollercoaster with my anxiety extremely heightened and my desperate search for a job. I finally have a job, and I am much happier just being out of the house more. I’ve also been able to visit my partner is about an hour away from me by train now.

I’ve been thinking about my blog, and I’ve noticed that it is hard for me to stick to a subject. That is the reason I turned this into a multi-subject blog. Just me being me. My main issue is finding topics to write about for my blog. I decided that I want this blog to be about my philosophy, some of my spirituality, prepper stuff, and wellness stuff.


I had a lot to think about over the weeks I’ve been away. One of those things is a decision I’ve made. A big one. I decided that instead of English; I have changed my major to Healthcare Information Management. The subject had always fascinated me. Since I have issues with physical work, I figured this would help me in my fight for independence.

I also now work as a receptionist for an Independent Living and Personal Care community. Thanks to this experience, I will learn the skills I need in the field and hopefully work in the care center as well at some point.

I will also take classes for Medical Assistant after I finish. I do not want to work as one full time, but I figured that it would make me even more employable if I had some physical skills. I can need these skills in an office if there is a shortage of staff or something. I also hope to become an Emergency Medical Responder or even an EMT. These would be for emergencies only and not a career decision for me. I enjoy being prepared and find the field fascinating.

I will model the next few posts after discussion posts and my final project from my Philosophy class. After that, I hope to do more. I hope you all have a great day!

chronic pain, Disabilities, herbal remedies, perseverance, self efficiency, vitamins, wellness

Fibro-Ease Multivitamin-Week One

Suffering from Fibromyalgia or other chronic disabilities can be a big challenge. There are many vitamins and medications that the internet recommends, but I wanted to try multivitamins. The first one I found that was the cheapest was “Fibro-Ease Multi” on Amazon.

Before I tried these, I looked at the doses of the vitamins I usually take before I even bought it. Thankfully, most of my natural vitamins are the same amount or maybe a bit under what I usually take. The effects were immediate for me. My pain went down, and my energy went up.

It’s almost the end of the week, and the bottle suggests doubling the dose after the first week. I am still taking doses of CBD to keep my anxiety and insomnia in check and Echinacea along with my prescription.


I usually take about 2000-3000 mg of B12 and 2000 mg of D especially. The B12 helps with energy and focus while I diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency by a doctor years ago. I also take C, E, and magnesium alongside my prescription and Echinacea to avoid getting sinus headaches and infections.

Looking at the full dose in the supplement facts, it has 1000mg of B12. However, it also contains B1,2, and 6. If, after my second week, my memory and focus are still not as good as I want it to be. I will take one b12 of 1000mg along with the multivitamin. However, it has the same amount of vitamin D.

It also contains 500mg of C, 200mg of E, and 600 mg of magnesium. I have been able to replace all of my vitamins successfully thanks to this multivitamin. Besides the other B vitamins, I had mentioned, this multivitamin also includes various other vitamins that are great for building up energy and lessening pain.

Other benefits

Since I had developed a banana allergy a few years ago, I don’t think I had eaten enough Potassium. I used to eat bananas all the time, and I did not have cramps as much as I did after I stopped eating bananas. Since this multivitamin contains Potassium, I have noticed I have cramped up a lot less than usual.

I recommend Fibro-Ease Multi for anyone suffering from Fibromyalgia or any other chronic condition. However, I highly suggest talking to a doctor about taking this first, especially if you take other medications that might interact. I only take one drug that doesn’t really interact with a lot of things. Stay safe everyone!

chronic pain, jobs, not giving up, oppurtunities, perseverance, vitamins

Perseverance in Job Hunt

I could not post lately. I’ve been stressing myself out balancing out school and job applications. After a weekend of doing nothing, I have relaxed on the job hunt, and I got an interview and job fair this week. When you’re trying to get a full-time job in a brand-new career, it’s tough.

Places want you to have education and experience to get a job. Even if you have a degree or education, there are little to no places that will give you the experience. Most places take you if you want to work temporarily or for free in an internship. However, that doesn’t get you the money you desperately need to live. I ran into these issues for years. It was because I had never known what I wanted to do.

I played to work in a medical office for years. However, a “friend” had convinced me over and over that, I would not enjoy it. Now I am free of her bad influence; I am going for what I should have sought for years now. Instead of hating myself for not pursuing it, I have to remember that I’m doing it now and that’s what counts.


I think the one thing you need to remember is to persevere. If you have no experience at all and you have no time to do jobs temporarily, or for free you need to keep trying. I feel as if the moment I stopped stressing about it is when opportunities finally opened. Never give up and keep looking. Even if it’s part-time, it’s still a steady job that might end up full-time, eventually.


I have been thinking a while about the number of vitamins I take every day. I feel like it might be a good idea to try out multi-vitamins created for those with fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Looking at the ingredients and adding or taking away vitamins depending on what the multivitamins have in them is something I will keep in mind. After about a month, I will begin the review for that vitamin. I have always wanted to do reviews, so I figured I could start with things I love.

bug out bag, DIY, EDC, first aid, first aid kits, prepping, saving money, sinuses, vitamins, wellness

DIY First Aid Kits

As always, it’s still a good idea to keep up with your health to avoid sicknesses. My mom has been getting colds because of stress. I have been taking echinacea vitamins daily to avoid getting sick myself. She has been drinking the tea, but I suggested taking the pill form to keep her immunity up. This is something important for every day natural wellness but what about emergencies? That is why I made my own DIY first aid kit.

However, sometimes things happen, and sometimes you don’t have the time or ability to get medication for sudden illnesses and such. That’s why having a first aid kit handy is the best idea for the home and travel. Sometimes with buying one, you don’t get everything you need or want. DIY first aid kits are a fun and easy thing to do. It can also save money if you go to the right places


After getting certified in first aid and CPR/AED, I decided that it was time to develop my first aid kits. I used various things I already had or bought from the local Dollar Tree or Amazon. It’s not very hard to make your bag. I added photos and descriptions of what I have done with my first aid kits.

OK, so the first thing I put in all of my kits are protective nitrile gloves. It is imperative to protect your skin and body from blood-borne pathogens, any illnesses such as HIV, and to keep yourself clean. I choose nitrile because there are many people allergic to latex so instead of asking the patient, who may be unconscious if they have an allergy or not. The next most important thing is to have a barrier so that if you need to perform CPR. This way you don’t get bodily fluids coming up from the mouth does not get in your mouth — these two things I put in all of my kits.

EDC First Aid

The smaller orange pack is my as-needed kit. I put a few small bandages in there along with packets of antiseptic wipes, alcohol wipes, and antibacterial cream. I’ve added medical tape in case a dressing does not stick to the skin I would need to secure it better. I will use a small sterile gauze with the roll of sterile gauze wrap in the in case someone is bleeding badly.  I found metal tweezers for all my kits at the Dollar Tree. Tweezers are useful with splinters. There are also small medical scissors I got with a first aid replenishment set I got on Amazon.

I also added a sharpie for labeling if needed. I filled an old Advil bottle with more Ibuprofen along with some meclizine in an old Dramamine bottle. I wrapped medical tape around it and wrote what is inside along with the dosage and expiration date. Two dosages of Sudafed are in there with the information printed on the packets. Finally, I added a small natural inhaler. The natural inhaler and Meclizine I have because I have a mild case of asthma and Vertigo in certain situations.

More in depth

The more prominent green and orange kit have more important things needed for harder situations. It holds a few more packs of the stuff in the smaller orange pack so that there are backups if required. However, I also added bigger gauze, a full package of 12 nitrile gloves (from the dollar tree), and a small bottle of hand sanitizer. In this bigger kit, I also have a small ace bandage and an ice pack for any sprains. I have weak ankles, so I tend to twist my ankles when I’m walking.

Though, if I run into someone who has sprained something in a fall or something, these bandages are useful. In this kit, I also added round cotton pads, Q-Tips, and some cotton balls in case it’s needed to add alcohol or help to clean a wound. I attach a small dusk mask in case I need to protect myself from a dusty situation or a situation where it might be dangerous to breathe in air. It won’t stop the horrible things, but it’s better than nothing. I put an emergency blanket in there in case someone goes into shock, and, I added a triangle bandage that can be useful in various ways. I also added a small first aid reference book into that one which came with an old first aid kit I bought.

Multiple Bags

Those two bags I put in my small bag I carry with me all the time that includes a mini survival kit I created. All three parts fit in my front pocket. The red bag is going in my secondary bag/get-home/bugout bag I will carry with me. The pack will be with me when I go somewhere longer than usual, or even sleeping overnight. This one has more trauma stuff I have learned how to go through my first aid training. Once I get EMT/EMR training, I will add another bag to my travel preps dedicated to trauma, sprains, etc.


The red bag includes a tourniquet I bought from a local army surplus store. As stated before, I will only use this item if bleeding and pressure do not work.  I have a pair of trauma sheers that came with the red first aid bag. These can be useful if I need to cut a shirt off to use an AED or cut parts of clothing to find a wound.

In this one, I have tongue depressors that can make-shift a splint for a finger or wrist if needed. Another cold pack with a heating pack can help with sprains or aches. There is also a small baggie of medications. I label them acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and some cough medicine for mucus. All of them have a strip of medical tape with a label for the dosage and expiration date.

Depending on the person, the person’s pain might need one or the other, and for cough medicine, mucus relief is an important thing to think about. I bought a small bag of medications on Amazon made for first aid kits. There are also a few packets of compressed towels I also got from the army surplus store in case It’s needed to help with wounds or create a sling. The tube of an oral gel is suitable for toothaches plus it’s a good thing to have in an emergency. A container of an antibacterial gel can help to avoid infections. The tiny tube of lip gel can help to relieve dry lips and other things. The rest of the items in there are bigger bandages and more of them.

Family First Aid

One good thing to do is to put together a kit that’s just for the home. The best thing to do is to add things for small cuts, illnesses such as colds and sinus headaches, aches and pains. I could make my own from stuff I bought from the Dollar Tree where I also found a red basket to hold them all in. The red makes the kit easy to find. Cough and cold medicine in both pill and liquid form are in there along with cherry cough drops and a chest rub.

For pain, I added mineral ice, which does WONDERS on sore muscles. I also added bottles of ibuprofen and acetaminophen along with a heat patch. Anti-diarrhea medication along with antacids are used to this kit because of various stomach issues. As for skincare, I added lotion and Vaseline to keep the skin soft and such. The full boxes of fabric bandages, a triple antibiotic, and some nasal strips. Our family has issues with sleeping with our noses stuffed up so they can help. I also have a pack of gloves in there too in case of an emergency.

I decided that it’s a good idea to keep a box filled with extra first aid supplies. This way, if I use them and I run out of a particular item, I can refill it as long as it had not expired (with medications). 

first aid medication 1-

first aid medication 2-

first aid, prepping, self efficiency, wellness

Educating Yourself in Health

One big thing that prepping and wellness have in common is educating yourself in health. Not only should you be able to know how to maintain and keep yourself healthy, but know how to handle yourself in an emergency. There are many times when I had gotten a paper cut or needed pain or stomach medication, and no one had anything on them.

My New Path

Keeping a small first aid kit on you at all times can help in even the smallest of ways. However, since first aid has fascinated me since I was a child, I finally took a class to get certified in First Aid for adults and Pediatrics with CPR and AED. It is partially because of my want of being prepared in case of an emergency, but it is also because I feel as though since I write about wellness knowing the simplest of aid can help a lot.

To take it one step further, I have decided that I will take a class to be a medical administrative assistant. Taking a course through Penn Foster, as I did in Freelance Writing, can help me learn everything I need to know to get certified. I also plan to go for at least get certified in EMR (first responder), so I have that knowledge in case they caught me in the middle a natural disaster or worse. EMR I will go for after I finally get a job with my certification.

I do not have the physical ability to do any of the physical jobs such as a nurse assistant, medical assistant, or any of those. However, I have the will to know what to do so I do not have to just sit by and wait for help to come. I want to help people to the best of my ability as a human being which is why I am writing this blog.

What You Can Do

Educating yourself in health can have so many benefits. You can keep track of conditions, know signs to look for with health issues, and so much more.

I know many others with chronic conditions and such, like myself, do not want to learn these things. However, I am here to encourage you to educate yourself with simple things yourself. If you do not want to get certifications a simple free app on your phone or a reference book can work too. Amazon has plenty of options for reference books and simple first aid kits that have more than some first aid kits have at drug stores.

Educating yourself in health can help you and others in an emergency and even everyday life. Prepping does not have to be hard. Sometimes being prepared is something that helps everyone become a bit better at life.

EDC, prepping, saving money, self efficiency, Uncategorized

Everyday Carry

There are so many preppers out there that claim bug out bags and gear are the most important part of prepping. That is not always the case. I feel as though the first thing you need to do is to begin by preparing what you need for your everyday life. EDC is the term used to refer to everyday carry. EDC can be done in various ways, but the best way to start is to use the basics.

What is Everyday Carry Gear?

The best way to begin is to gather all the things you usually use when you leave the house for work, school, and other types of travel. Try to minimize all that you can even if it takes a few tries to rearrange things. Examples of these things would be a tablet and/or computer, phone, chargers, notepad and pens or pencils, possibly mints and/or gum, and your wallet. Naturally, if you smoke, a lighter with a pack of cigarettes could be added to your bag.

Next comes the “extended-outing” supplies. These things can include things you would need if you stayed out longer than expected. These would comprise food, water bottles, some hygiene products (those of the female sex might add feminine products), and any prescription or over-the-counter medication you would need. Finally, emergency supplies could range from a mini first aid kit to a mini survival kit.

Mini kits for EDC

As far as mini first aid kits go, the first thing to think of is any prescription or over-the-counter medications you use. In an emergency these items are essential.

Next, would be the bandages you can buy at any store. Whether you spend the money to buy a small set from a drugstore (the dollar store to save money) or even create your own, these kits are perfect for situations where you or someone else has a small or decent sized cut. With these bandages should be some antiseptic wipe or gel to disinfect the wounds and antibiotic treatment such as Neosporin or some generic brand.

As for mini-survival kits, keep it simple. Putting together something small is the best way to keep everything minimalistic. The simplest things to stay with you would be a lighter and/or matches if you don’t smoke, a folded-up sheet of aluminum foil (for cooking if needed), a tiny sewing kit, a cheap poncho, and some cordage such as para-cord or even shoelaces. You can find all of these things in a local Dollar Tree.

Some other things to add could be small and cheap multi-tools and emergency blankets. You can find these on Amazon and small organizers to help keep all of your everyday carry preps organized.

Special EDC

Depending on where you live or what you’re certified in or with, you can add other things to your EDC. If you get yourself certified in First Aid, or if you are a healthcare professional, additional items to your first aid kit could be added if desired such as a trauma kit. If you have a license to carry a pistol on you and you wish to bring one for protection, you may also add that to your prep. If you do not have a license or do not like guns but want to add security, you can add simple things such as pepper spray or, as long as you check out your state’s guidelines, insert a small knife or dagger.

Where to Start?

These are a few cheap recommendations to get started on your everyday carry. Amazon also has various bags that can be found depending on your everyday needs.

EDC pouch organizer-

Hard wallet with RFID-

Set of emergency blankets-

Wallet multitool-

prepping, saving money, self efficiency, wellness

What is Prepping?

Many people out in the world are “prepping” nowadays. Many are fanatics and current or ex-militants out there who insist they know everything. That is not always the case. With the fear-mongering and everything else going on many forget the true reason the lifestyle exists. These reasons are why this blog’s tone is “prepping for everyone.”

As a writer for natural wellness, I believe that being prepared can be just as important as keeping yourself healthy. In this world, if something was to happen knowing how to take care of yourself and your family can mean life or death. Even if it was a simple natural desaster.

I will attempt to keep this blog non-religious, but I will suggest that interfaith communication is essential. In an emergency, I do not believe religion should be a reason to promote hate. To survive, people need to (eventually) come together as one to bring civilization back. However, this will not be the case. There are so many people set in their ways it will be impossible to work together.

New Blog Posts

Since there are only so many subjects I can write about in natural wellness, I will add prepping posts to my blog. The way I see wellness is the same as I see prepping and living a life where you can live a healthy life and lower the prescription medication as much as possible. Skills learned in wellness will be integral to a worst-case scenario with a little help from outside sources.

I mean to be neutral and not preachy. I am not against guns, but I will write about the subject in the most logical way possible. I am a beginner myself, and on a meager budget. I will research posts, write them from practice, and in the review.

Gardening and living off the natural land will play a significant part. My primary experience is on this subject. I will learn how to hunt eventually with bows and slingshots along with other devices that are reusable.

I hope that you can enjoy this blog and please do not be afraid to comment on ideas for subjects and such. Thank you.

prepping, saving money

Why Prep?

Prepping is a phenomenon going across the world where people stockpile gear and food in the case of a disaster. I have studied this “craze,” as some would call it, and I realized there is a lot of things that make these people seem a bit too “crazy.” I do not think the idea in itself is that way. So, you may ask me, why prep?

It is a good idea to prepare in case of some emergencies. Too many times have I seen people before a snow storm go nuts on food shopping and such. The same type of thing happens all around. Prepping does not have to mean being prepared for the world ending as we know it or “SHTF” as they call it. A worst-case scenario could be a snowstorm that could last for days or as harsh as a natural disaster that could destroy the homes of so many.

However, many preppers spend hundreds and thousands of dollars to prepare. Something that many, like me, cannot do. I am a poor, older University student with learning and mental disabilities along with a chronic pain condition. Nothing is said by most of these preppers about people in my position except that we will not survive. I am here to prove that we can survive. We need to work on getting ourselves in shape, know our limits, and find out what we are good at doing.

For those of us who barely have anything to spare, budgeting and finding cheaper ways to prep is important.


There are a lot of things that are overlooked at the Dollar Tree in particular that are perfect for prepping. Food, hygiene products, first aid, and even some minor tools can be used for gear. There are a lot of non-perishable items that are lightweight and can be used in a stockpile as well. Hygiene is vital for staying healthy, but the little things of first aid are essential as well.

They don’t have as high quality as a drugstore would have, but at the same time, it’s good to have these things because who knows when you would need it. From experience, the medications they sell are very good. In a pinch, these medications will work better than nothing.


Now as far as gear and items go, there are a lot of things that can be used. Something as simple as a plastic tablecloth or bath curtain with some shoelaces can create an emergency shelter if needed. Zip ties are sold there. They are not extremely strong, but at the same time, they work very well when you need to save money. Trash bags are something that can be used for various things, and if you look hard enough, you can find name brands. The same can be said for aluminum foil.

During the spring and summer months, they have various water bottles. Granted, they are plastic, but it is better than having nothing. As for water purifying, the only thing I have heard that works is a small amount of bleach.

My personal favorite parts of learning how to prep is making fires and cooking. There is an entire aisle in most Dollar Trees that sell candles as well as lighters and matches. In the party section, you can also find small propane candle (things) that can be used with the aluminum pans that can be found in the cooking section.


As much as people knock down the idea of buying cheap kits on Amazon. Yet, it is still a great start if you don’t have too much money to start with. I bought a simple kit from there. Some things were not workable, but at the same time, everything could be used. Even if it’s just a small kit that can be put into a bag you use every day, it is better than having nothing if some kind of emergency comes up. 

anxiety, chronic pain, Mental Health, wellness

Gaming Therapy

There is one hobby that so many people overlook wellness. Video game therapy. Gaming therapy is something that helps me in my daily life when things get a little too stressful. Being able to bring the mind into an interactive world where I can hunt and kill enemies. Now that is something that can relieve stress.

With systems such as the Wii, virtual reality, and other gaming platforms, there are even more ways to get up and move. Technically, there are lots of ways to cheat at these games, but if you do it correctly, there should be no excuse to have fun in an interactive world while getting up to move. For someone with a chronic pain condition, like myself, these types of games are perfect if you want to get exercise without straining your body.

My favorite genre of games to play are the JRPG games such as the Final Fantasy series and Kingdom Hearts. Just as with reading books or watching movies, fantasy video games can help you escape from reality. That is something that allows people who stress out easily to find comfort in fantasy video games.

With Kingdom Hearts III finally releasing this week, I am excited to see how all the previous games come together. One big theme about this series is the struggle between darkness and light. It’s the perfect comparison for those struggling with mental health issues. Darkness would represent the various dark thoughts that come to mind. The never-ending struggle to find the light in the everyday stress is something I can see fans of the series can relate to. It is not just a series. It reflects humanity and my own mental struggle with anxiety.

Playing the Game

If you are interested in the series of Kingdom Hearts, and have yet to play the games this is the perfect time to get into them. There is a single game disc called Kingdom Hearts: Story So Far that holds all the games along with cutscene movies to catch up with the series. If you’re already a fan, I hope we can all enjoy Kingdom Hearts III

Kingdom Heart: Story so Far

Kingdom Hearts III

asthma, herbal remedies, natural tea, sinuses, vitamins, wellness

Natural Asthma Relief

Asthma is a condition that affects the lungs and can be deadly if not treated or maintained. I have a mild case of this ailment. My food and pollen allergies usually trigger it. However, in the winter months and when my chronic symptoms flares are when I have the most attacks. The cold air makes it harder to breathe which is why I cannot do much activity outside. When I need to go out, I can usually manage as long as I take my inhaler before I leave. Despite this, I still have symptoms, and my chest feels tight. I am now looking into a more natural asthma relief.

Earlier this week, was one of those days. The doctor’s office is close to my home. When I missed the bus, and I did not feel like waiting in the cold, I walked. I took my Ventolin before I left the house, but my chest still felt tight as I walked. My pace was slow. Focusing on my breathing to make sure I took deep breaths through my nose rather than my mouth helped very much. As I walked is when I thought of ideas to manage my asthma naturally and everything else.

Medication and Naturals

As I stated before, I have prescription “Ventolin” to manage my emergency symptoms. I can also take it before exercising that I know would cause an attack. I also found that over the counter external medication such as a chest rub such as “Vick’s Vapor Rub” or some other generic brand helps to ease the symptoms. Colds and allergies, I found trigger my asthma.

Taking turmeric and ginger. There are a few tea combinations of the two.

The best way I keep myself healthy is mixing teas depending on needs. I either create my loose tea with herbs and tea leaves from packets or put in a few different tea bags in one cup. It may sound counter-intuitive to mix tea bags, but it can make a strong tea that helps to get rid of the things that ail you. Natural asthma relief is important so that if you can better manage your symptoms.

herbal remedies, natural tea, sinuses, vitamins, wellness

Echinacea, Nature’s Cold Medicine

Winter is Harsh

This time of the year is not kind to many people. So many can get sick with the flu, colds, and sinus infections/headaches. These illnesses due to the various changes in temperature and allergies. Many individuals continuously suffer during this time of year. People usually take multiple drugs to feel better. However, there is one herb I found helps to keep these ailments. Echinacea seems to work the best for these situations.

Herbal Medicine

Echinacea is an herb that comes in various shapes and forms. Tea is the best way that kicks in right when you need it. I tend to try and take the “immune support” version from Yogi teas. My sinus headaches occur due to weather changes or allergies. I also make it with a teaspoon of local honey because that is also another thing that helps with allergies.

Sometimes, pain medication are not the best choice for sinus headaches. Instead of taking them or sinus medications, the Echinacea Plus tea by Traditional Medicinals works almost immediately. I can feel the tension leaving my head. The feeling is almost immediate, and only minutes after drinking it.

I highly recommend these products. It is the essential tea for everyone’s winter season.
You can also take Echinacea with your daily vitamins and oils.

This time of year is not very kind to many people. So many people get sick with the flu, colds, and sinus infections/headaches. These illnesses are due to the various changes in temperature and allergies. Many individuals continuously suffer during this time and take multiple drugs to feel better. However, there is one herb that I found helps to keep these ailments. Echinacea seems to work the best for these situations.

Herbal Medicine

Echinacea is an herb that comes in various shapes and forms. Tea is the best way that kicks in right when you need it. I tend to try and take the “immune support” version from Yogi teas. My sinus headaches occur due to weather changes or allergies. I also make it with a teaspoon of local honey because that is also another thing that helps with allergies.

Sometimes, pain medicaiton is not the best choice for sinus headaches. Instead of taking them or sinus medications, the Echinacea Plus tea by Traditional Medicinals works almost immediately. I can feel the tension leaving my head. The feeling is almost immediate, and only minutes after drinking it.

I highly recommend these products. It is the essential tea for everyone’s winter season.
Additionally, you can also take Echinacea with your daily vitamins and oils.

This time of the year is not kind to many people. So many people get sick with the flu, colds, and sinus infections/headaches. These illnesses are because of the various changes in temperature and allergies. Many individuals continuously suffer during this time and take multiple drugs to feel better. However, there is one herb I found helps to keep these ailments. Echinacea seems to work the best for these situations.

Herbal Medicine

Echinacea is an herb that comes in various shapes and forms. Tea is the best way that kicks in right when you need it. I tend to try and take the “immune support” version from Yogi teas. My sinus headaches occur due to weather changes or allergies. I also make it with a teaspoon of local honey because that is also another thing that helps with allergies.

Sometimes, pain medication is not the best choice for sinus headaches. Instead of taking them or sinus medications, the Echinacea Plus tea by Traditional Medicinals works almost immediately. I can feel the tension leaving my head. The feeling is almost immediate, and only minutes after drinking it.

I highly recommend these products. It is the essential tea for everyone’s winter season.
You can also take Echinacea with your daily vitamins and oils. Bulk versions of
Yogi Immune Support and Echinacea Plus by Traditional Medicinals can be found on Amazon as well. It saves money on boxes and can last for a long time if taken daily.


Personal update

The New Year has not exactly been kind to me, but it is giving me the inspiration to finally get out. After my ruined birthday and a lot of thinking my significant other and I have decided to make a bold move from the East Coast of Delaware/Pennsylvania to West Fargo, North Dakota. I have a very close friend there who is helping me find a place. The rent is low, the wage is higher than it is here, and there are more opportunities for employment.

As for me, I will be working on work at home opportunities such as this blog. There will be a lot of changes coming to this blog including adding affiliate links to some of my posts. This will mainly be for the blog posts that I have done research on and have personally used products or books to help myself or others. I hope that everyone has a great day!

anxiety, chronic pain, Disabilities, Mental Health, wellness

New Year’s Changes

I learned a lot over the past year. I learned who to trust and who not to. I learned a lot about wellness which made me realize just how much I want to write with wellness and work on advocacy for myself and others. So many people dismiss chronic and mental illnesses. For the new year, I want to begin researching and working on using this blog to help myself and my audience. I will be advertising my blog more on Twitter and Facebook. I feel as though the Universe has been telling me that I need to work at home and focus on my writing, learning other skills such as marketing and research along with attempting to find online customer service jobs that only require a laptop and a headset. Both of which I already have.

I will be focusing on not only achieving at least a part-time income but also my health in all areas. Moving out of my current home is a big part of that focus. There are so many who believe that living with family is better than being homeless or on your own. However, since I have been assessing my own situation and mental stability, I have realized that getting out on my own with my significant other is the best way for me to gain a better mental status as well as the ability to do yoga, meditation, and light (at first) exercise in order to manage my chronic pain symptoms that come with my possible Fibromyalgia.

I know that my therapist agrees that I need to get out of here for my own mental health. I will be continuing to see her, but I have a feeling that once I leave this current environment that I will only need to see her less and less. I do not believe my anxiety will be able to be cured right away naturally, but having my own freedom will most likely allow my issues to lessen. It will give me the ability to focus on what I need to do to make money in my own time, do schoolwork, and cook the foods that my body can handle and help me gain the physical body that I want and need. I will focus on finally getting to a rheumatologist so that I can get my chronic illness looked at and diagnosed so I can treat it properly.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful new year, and enjoy the content I will be looking into next year.

Blessed Be!


The Poor and Wellness

For this discussion, I decided to use Sociology for my subject of wellness in the social sciences. The idea that social status affects wellness is an important thing to take into account. Many who live in poverty or are struggling for money cannot access good healthcare or food. Because of the serious struggle with money, so many people have poor mental health which causes them to neglect or abuse others such as spouses or their children. Abuse could be looked over if it is emotional or mental abuse because many do not realize it is even a way of abuse. I know for a fact that even though Medicaid covers a lot of regular health issues, it barely covers dental or vision.

There were not many articles that I could find that showed the idea of “Wellness,” but I found one article about how poverty affects people’s health. There has been a lot of issues with access to good health because either the doctors in those areas are ill-equipped to help, make “too much money” for Medicaid, or have no time between jobs to take their children or themselves to the doctor. After all, in most places all across the country, people are only able to make minimum wage and many retail chains only offer part-time jobs. According to an article by the Center for Poverty Research of the University of California, suggests that a single parent of one child has to make about 12,486 a year to be above the poverty line. However, with the current federal wage as only $7.25, they would have to work an average of about 43.8 hours a week instead of 40. (What are the annual, 2018, January 12, para. 8)

Since many single parents try to work two jobs to make ends meet, either two part-time or a part-time and full, many families cannot obtain medical insurance because the insurance rates are too high. These families are above the poverty threshold as well so, unless they have a special situation such as disabilities, they cannot obtain many governments funded programs such as Medicaid and SNAP. Yet, many families still cannot afford proper healthcare and only obtain insurance that is cheap and for emergencies only. Though, many single parents cannot make the hours they need to get over the poverty line and many choose to use many benefits from the government to survive. The problem here is that there is only so much they are given for food and living expenses.

Children living in poverty, in particular, suffer the most. Even before they are born, their homes are filled with stress, unsteady nutrition, and toxic environments. Kids with low-income families cannot catch up with health because of the various healthcare gaps. Medicaid only allows people to go to only certain doctors, and in the case of those in poverty, that may mean they can only afford to go to physicians and specialists and depending on how good or poorly they are looked at they could easily miss important diseases. (Esposito, 2016, paras. 1-2)

More factors of negative effects of Poverty include the fact that children increasingly get into accidents and deaths because of the poor environments they live in. There has also been an increase in obesity because the lack of money only allows families to buy the cheaper, non-fresh, foods and fast food. (Espisito, 2016, paras. 6-10). The cities the poor children live in also have a tendency to have tap water that is contaminated with lead. A big example of this would be Flint, Michigan that has gotten Nationwide attention, (Espisito, 2016, paras. 18-19).

Living in poverty has a very high challenge when it comes to wellness. Those living in these situations usually cannot really take advantage of the ideas and ways that wellness offers. The sad part about this situation is just that. There needs to be a way to help all of these people who are struggling yet many people in charge of health and wellness do not care about these people. I am lucky to be in school and have serious anxiety issues along with chronic pain simply because I have SNAP and Medicaid. I live in an area where I do not have to worry about the problems of the intercity. Though, some gaps in Medicaid still apply to me such as the fact that it is difficult to do dental work because I cannot afford certain procedures because it is not covered. Certain specialists do not take Medicaid or they are very far from where I live. I hope that one day these issues will be resolved. Until then, we have to keep fighting for the rights of the poor and less fortunate.



Espisito, L. (2016, April 20). The Countless Ways Poverty Affects People’s Health. Retrieved from

What are the annual earnings for a full-time minimum wage worker? (2018, January 12). Retrieved from

Disabilities, Mental Health, Uncategorized

“Family Doesn’t End (or Start) in Blood”

A family is always supposed to be there for you no matter what the cost. You do everything for them and you expect to have the same respect and kindness in return. Sometimes, however, when you find your “true” self spiritually, emotionally, and physically certain family members can make life difficult. They may have good intentions, but if they do not open their minds and realize that nothing can make you change to the way they want you to be. Sometimes, no matter how much you try to please them nothing works. They become rude and refuse to hear things that you want to say.

This is something I have to live with. Technically, it is called “emotional” or “mental” abuse. I don’t believe my abuser realizes what they are doing. They are stuck in their ways and do not believe that anything should change. Men are men. Women are women. To them, gender identities do not exist. Men do male jobs, women to women jobs. By 30, you should have a job (even if you hate it). They believe that you should be able to do “any job” even though your primary doctor agrees with you that you have a chronic illness like Fibromyalgia.

In my situation, I am forced to live with my parents. They are respectful towards me… at least my mother is… However, because I am currently unemployed and working on school and part-time freelancing, while at the same time sending application after application out into the world and receiving nothing back from potential employees. Those from the “baby boomer” generation continuously find ways to nitpick everything I do. The only spec of comfort that I have is when I am able to find my way into my bedroom just to escape. My room is my only solace where I have my computer and phone. Music, videos, writing, and video games help me to forget the insecurities that my so-called “family” members have put inside of my head.

I place “family” in quotes because, at this point in my life, I have realized that my close friends are more family to me than my own blood. I have chosen siblings that care for me and a wonderful girlfriend that I thank the gods every day that I have. She has been the first partner I have found that does not negate my anxiety but helps to calm me. Despite the thoughts that she might leave me too one day, she reminds me that she never will.

One of the best lines in current Television comes from the show Supernatural. “Family doesn’t end in blood.” Bobby Singer says that to the boys and it sticks with them. He is like a father to the boys just like how my friends are like siblings. Dean goes on to say “…it doesn’t start there either.” That in itself is the meaning of this post. Once I am finally able to move out, I have decided that I will live the way I want. Decorate the way I wish, practice my spirituality the way I wish, and live the life I am meant to live. If family members disagree and continue to try and change me, I will not associate myself with them anymore even if that means never going to family functions any longer. As long as I have her and all my chosen siblings my life will be complete.

Mental Health

Know Your Limits

Living an adult life with a known and/or unknown learning disabilities is hard. Most of the time it is extremely difficult to obtain or hold a full-time job. Once you get into retail it seems impossible to get out. Most of the companies out there want people with education, but if you have the education they usually want an equal amount of experience. It seems like an endless cycle.

When I was 22 years old I was diagnosed with Anxiety, ADHD Inattentive-type, “slight” dyslexia, and dyscalculia. They told my parents I should have no problems getting into the workforce. They were wrong. For years I’ve struggled with finding a decent paying job. I wanted to become independent for so long but it seems as if the world’s view of learning disabilities is clouded.

I feel as if the moment you mention “anxiety” or “disability” in an interview or application lots of people politely refuse a position or do not see me at all. It’s a stigma that I think the American companies need to look past. What is the point of a law against discrimination of disability if it’s still there? They may not go out and say it but let’s face it; if there is one person interviewing with a mental disability and another who is “perfect,” who are they going to choose for employment?

To top it all off, I am always in pain because of some unknown disability in my back that doctors have previously seen as “faking it” or “slight scoliosis” or “being too inactive.” It wasn’t until I saw a rheumatologist this year that someone finally saw past all of that and realized something was actually wrong. However, even he was wrong. My primary doctor saw my symptoms and finally agreed with me that I was suffering from Fibromyalgia. I am finally on medication and vitamins that help aid with my issues.

This brings me to why I am sitting here writing this. Despite everything I have gone through, I refuse to give up. I have decided to go back to school for writing. The one thing that had stayed with me since I was in grade school was my love for writing. Looking back, I really do wish I would have forced myself to read the material in the English classes better to show that I really loved writing and English. Sometimes I wish I could time travel back in time and tell my old self to push through my frustrations with reading, and prove to the teachers and everyone that I was good enough. If I did that, I wonder if I would be in a very different situation right now.

In College the first time around, I had very little direction in what I had to do to get a decent job after I graduated. This is probably partially why I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. When I graduated high school I was forced to go to college full time just because it helped me stay on my parent’s insurance. By the time Obamacare was passed, allowing me to stay on their insurance without worrying about school it was too late. I already had so many credits I felt as if I had to finish with an associates’ degree in something. I graduated with only an Associates in General Studies.

After years of bouncing from job to job and months at a time being unemployed with little or no health insurance, I finally landed a job that worked with my physical and mental limitations. The main problem was that I would never be able to be financially independent. I was only qualified to work part time and they gave me less than 20 hours a week starting at minimum wage. Less than a year into this job they raised the wages to 9/hour but it still was not enough. When my medical bills rose and rose I finally had enough and applied for Medicaid and SNAP. It lifted my financial burden slightly for the time being. The only reason I settled with this job is because it did not leave me physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day like the others. I know that most people are physically and mentally exhausted after working a full day of any kind of work, but the point was that I was exhausted to the point that I did not want to do anything but eat and sleep. I was always in so much pain and my room became a disaster area because of my lack of energy.

With this job, I had the energy to do things again. I did my chores and kept my room as tidy as I could. I even walked to and from work when I worked shifts in the morning or afternoon. With this job I was not limited as much for anything. The only downside is the fact that I had no idea how many hours I would get the next week and if I would get enough to pay the little amount of bills I had. This is when I decided I wanted to try working two jobs to see how I could handle it.

I had never in my life been a waitress and I wanted to see how I was at it. Not only was I physically drained, but mentally drained as well by the end of the trial period of a week. I enjoyed the free Japanese food and the people’s company but the three anxiety attacks were not worth it.

The second job I applied for was a seasonal job watering plants. For the first few weeks it was ok because the weather was nice and warm. It was not until after the weather began getting cold again that I realized I could not handle the job physically. Not to mention when I had this revelation I had the fifth anxiety attack I had from the moment I started working. I wished I could stay there because the pay rate made me feel so much better about myself. However, I knew my physical and mental health were worth more than a paycheck.

The main point of me saying all this is not to wallow in everything that’s happened. I want to express that I did these things because I wanted to gauge what I could and could not do. I am not going to give up. I am going to try a temp agency to gain experience in an office while also working on freelance writing through Upwork and other places where I can find work for a writer trying to begin work. Working for offices should help me gain experience for internships and eventually a real career that I want to do. For everyone who reads this post, I want to let you know that it is not impossible to land the career you want or even just something as simple as keeping a job. If you can, think of everything you can and cannot do. Do not dwell on what you cannot do. Focus on what you can do, and what you love to do. Eventually you will know what path your life will take.

jobs, Mental Health, oppurtunities, perseverance, Philosophy, spirituality, wellness

May My Heart Be My Guiding Key

Usually my posts here are either healthy living tips, fiction, or other subjects. Today I want to get a bit spiritual. It may sound silly, but I’ve always felt a strong connection to the video game series called Kingdom Hearts from Square Enix and Disney. The idea of “heart” being connected really hits home in a spiritual way for me. 

It seems as if the heart is supposed to be something similar to the concept of the soul. Something I really care about in my spiritual practice. I am a very eclectic pagan as well as somewhat of an oracle. Because of this I firmly agree with the idea that the strength of connected hearts alive or dead can make your own heart even stronger.

My definition of oracle isn’t just seeing into the future. It’s more of the idea that I have a strong connection to the universe, planes of existence, deities, and other people. 


When there are any planetary or lunar shifts happening I always feel it. In most ways, this is a bad thing for me since the current living situation gives me very little ways to connect to my higher self. I feel blocked constantly unless I clean my room fully and meditate deeply every day. I meditate somewhat before bed, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

I will also add past versions of myself to the definition as well. Most people who believe in past lives only think of them as something in the past. Mostly holding them back from things or explaining irrational fears.  To me, past lives are an extension of myself from the past. I feel like the memories are just like memories you would have from childhood.

All in the Cards

As I stated before, I’m getting into Phlebotomy. I have been a little overwhelmed as of late trying to get my schoolwork from SNHU as well as my Venipuncture work done. With my first test coming up, I am so thankful for Crystastic Jewels is there to help since I have such a hard time learning from the book at times.

With the subheading, an anime fan would think that I was about so say something about “the heart of the cards” but that’s not what im talking about. Sure, that’s another thing to compare the subject to. No, I’m talking about Tarot and Oracle cards. Crystal does livestreams many times during the week and there is someone there who does tarot readings.

I was having a very hard and anxiety inducing time and when he did my reading during the stream it just made me feel so much better. Through this, I found that we both have similar ideals about the series and spirituality which means I’m not alone. It warms my heart honestly.

Music of the Heart

Every Sunday, a man comes into the place I work and plays on the grand piano in the Auditorium right next to the desk. His music is beautiful but, above all, he plays two songs from my childhood and “Dearly Beloved” from Kingdom Hearts.  

He plays it so well, that I get chills and my eyes begin to form tears when he plays. I believe it plays a strong role in my spiritual growth because music plays for the heart.

Heart of Religion

Even though I, personally, identify as an eclectic pagan does not mean that I hate other religions or beliefs. I believe religion is a personal belief. Something that is not right or wrong. Your heart leads you to your own personal path. There should be no need to fight over it and no need to be offended by another person’s belief.

jobs, medicine, perseverance, phlebotomy, wellness

The Journey Towards Phlebotomy

For a very long time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do other than writing. I played with so many ideas of what I could do. Fiction I know does not give a 100% success rate due to the competitive nature of it. I thought about other things and since I also suffer from Fibromyalgia I passed on a lot of things because of physical or mental limitations. As I flipped through YouTube, I found the journey towards phlebotomy.

Age Has a Price

I’m already 32 and despite what so many people tell me I always felt like I’ve wasted my years. For far too long I’ve struggled finding a career or job that would pay the bills. Due to my lack of mental capacity I’ve had to deal with part-time only retail jobs that had increasingly been bad for my mental and physical health. I have no mental ability to keep up with using a cash register so I was always passed over for a higher paying full-time position.

After looking and looking, I finally found a job that took me on as a receptionist. The problem now is that it is still only part-time with no opportunities for me to advance. As ambitious as I am, I wanted to also find something that would allow me to work a fun job. I love my job, but I do not see me working in reception my entire life.

Flaws of Writing

Writing has always been my passion, but I was afraid to pursue it since I felt that my disability had made my abilities weak. Now, I am happy as an English major and I should be graduating by the end of 2020. This comes with excitement, but also nerves.

I’ve researched various careers that I could do with my degree. Including attempting to do professional freelance writing to gain a following and experience. All to find that the only thing I really want to do with it is write fiction. I like the possibility of working as a writing tutor as well, but only as a part-time or online side job.


Since I can remember I’ve suffered with belonephobia (or fear of getting blood drawn, needles etc.) Now that I have realized the possible reasons for the fear, it has become almost non-existent. I have genetic rolling veins and I specifically remember an awful phlebotomist who decided to keep sticking me or move the needle horribly when I was little. I believe this is the source.

However, the fear slowly turned into fascination when I began looking right at the needle. I learned that if I drank two full bottles of water before a test there was no problems. Instead of fear, it slowly turned into awe. That is why I began researching phlebotomy on YouTube. One specific content creator is the reason I found the journey towards phlebotomy.

Crystastic Jewels is so positive and uplifting that it made me want to pursue the practice. That is why on February 3rd, I am beginning my class towards my goal of becoming a phlebotomist. If you want to see her for yourself, you can click here to visit her page.

fiction, posts, stories, writing

Introducing: The “Villain” of the Inolla Chronicles

The curse of immortality is wearing heavily on my conscience. Not that I have one according to my brother. Thousands of millions of years pass and the boredom takes its toll while the generations of Inolla heiresses grow and die at my own hand. Secrets and lies seemed to come and go throughout this ungodly life. Heh…godly. Not that Shiconen has done anything great enough to earn the title. That tyrant does not deserve to be worshiped. A very long path of evil paved by good intentions. This is the thanks I get. Loving and losing intertwined with the curses left by he, the God of all worlds. 

Staring out into the dead land reminds me of how dark life is. Nothing but death surrounds Mikealon and myself. How many times had I lost my dear Celestia and daughter to the cruel fate of reincarnation? Too many. It is not fair. None of it is fair. The universe needs a new ruler. One that would alleviate the strife that plagues mankind. That is why I chose to fight and destroy as many worlds as possible. Once all worlds are one I can finally have my time. I will ascend and become the new god of all worlds if it’s the last thing I do.


I think this is one of the many character snippets and excerpts that I will post on this blog this year going forward. The character who is voicing these feelings and concerns is the character that I love the most. He is the kind of person that I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It may sound odd that I am in “love” with an original character of fiction but in no way am I living in a fantasy world.

I love creating this character and I really hope I can share more of this in the future.

fiction, writing

The Downfall of Nottingham

The city was in ruins. All caused by that foolish child who was in love with an outlaw. My castle still stood high above where I could watch the chaos below. Untouched by the flames that engulfed many noble homes throughout Nottinghamshire. The disintegrating figure of the sheriff was hanging from where they set him on fire after he was strung to the gallows. I watched unblinking as the body fell after the rope finally gave way to the flames. Now there was nothing but ashes decorating the base of the crumbling structure. Despite how far my room was to the city square, I could imagine his skin falling from his charred flesh. The vile display was enough to make anyone with a heart look away in fright.

The “silent” Queen of Nottingham would not look away from the sight. Trivial things such as this no longer phased me. I gave my heart away to a casualty in King Richard’s holy war and, at the same time, lost the best friend a woman of my lower-noble birth could ask for. If it were not for Snow, the eldest daughter of John who then Prince of Nottingham, my title would be “Wife of James of Loxley.” 

Snow White they called her due to her sweet and innocent nature. To think they all believe her death was the doing of the Sheriff and John.  If only they knew the innocent and silent queen was using them as a pawn in a simple game of chess. Besides, the Queen piece is always the one that can move freely. The soft and cold chuckle that followed this thought would give chills down the spine of the strongest of knights. 

I felt nothing for those perishing below. If they were to storm the castle and kill John I would not shed one tear for him. I may act as if I am the helpless Queen to keep up appearances but the real Isa died a long time ago. That innocent girl who gave into her father’s harsh ambitions. Unrecognizable from the naive young woman I was now dressed in black, heavy gowns with red lace traveling throughout. My hair is long and kept up in the golden crown adorned surrounding it. Uncomfortable heels slow me down, but it is not as if there is any need to run or ride anymore. The only item that I wore constantly is the necklace my father gave me on my wedding day. An obsidian necklace in the shape of a heart. It was fitting as it represented the coldness that took over my soul that Queen Isabella replaced. 

I bore John some children but cared for them not. The only thing I cared for was the little magic that my father taught me. Small, little things. Such as the power of manipulation to control the actions of King John as well as the Sheriff. Simple phrases during John’s sleep patterns seeped into his subconscious allowing him to alienate and disown his own daughter wiping her from the bloodline and from history itself. Eventually, he believed that she was attempting to commit treason by killing his own father and overthrowing him. Once she was out of the castle I made moves to find her and take her out.

Before I took things into my own hands, I attempted to use a lowly thief that went by the name of William Scarlett. He was very good at assassination so I figured he would be the perfect pawn. That was until the brat fell for her charms… or was it his charms? William did not seem to fancy my feign advances. My seduction usually worked, but not for him. Instead, he decided to join the group of outlaws hoping to charm his way through the ranks getting emotionally attached to both this “Robin Hood” and Snow. The betrayal is what pushed me to do my own dirty work.  

I used one of my disguises to look like a poor beggar to take pleasure in poisoning that girl with the apple from my favorite tree. I waited until the fruit was at its peak redness. As red as the girl’s lips… and her blood. Snow had gone by the name “Marian” by this point and fooled the outlaw into loving her. I watched from afar as Snow went back to her family and ate from the apple. I sold the apple saying that I dipped the fruit in apricot oils to make an even sweeter taste. In reality, I watched as the oleander that covered the apple worked instantly. First the sweats, then the bowels burst from beneath her perfect skirt. Finally, I heard the sweet gasps of breath escaping her bleeding mouth before it led to her escape of death. I hoped that it would last longer than it did, but I was not disappointed.

What kind of name is Robin, anyway? Surely the name was not his given since he was a secretive man. He hid in the shadows whilst stealing goods from the hard-working nobles. The secrecy made me wonder why Snow wormed her way into his heart at all. Their band was called  “Merry” Men. How could that not be some queer group of individuals? While Snow fell ill and dying, I could only see the outlaw from the back as he came to her aid. 

  The heat of the fires below soon began to brush against my pure and flawless skin melted some powder that decorated my cheeks. I chose this development to get myself out of my vengeful stupor and turn back inside. I closed the balcony doors, pulling the crimson velvet curtains together to retreat to the safeguards of my chambers. The castle was being overrun already. The screams of those being robbed was barely audible through the wooden doors as I sat at my dark apple table taking in a glass of red wine. I never truly cared about being the most beautiful in the Kingdom. I only used that vain excuse to aid my manipulation of King John and the Sheriff to follow my lead.

My fingers absentmindedly slid against the smooth stone where I could feel the energy coming through it. I loved the obsidian stone, but the dark red casing around this necklace stood out to me. It often made me wonder if I was in control of my heart or not…

I did not flinch or look up as I heard screaming and fighting coming from behind the large, cedar doors separating my bedchamber from the corridors of the castle. I stayed in my spot sipping the sweet, yet bitter liquid from my golden goblet that was a wedding gift from the King. I did not care for gifts, but enjoying wine was one of the few things of royal life I enjoyed. 

The yelling and screaming ceased for a moment. It drew in my curiosity, which made me turn my head towards the door. I almost gave a chuckle as I heard the intruder burst through the door. Looking up, I could not deny my lustful fascination. Their thick blood trickled from various arrows coming from their armored torsos and slit throats. He’s silent and quick, I’ll give him that. He dressed in green rags with a hood covering most of his face. He held a bow with two arrows directed at me. His stance was angry and vengeful. His arms were strong and muscular. His eyes covered in that ghastly hood.

“Stand up, your highness,” he said, his voice frigid, angry. “Make one false move and I will make sure you do not see the sunrise again.” 

A voice that never changed. I knew it all too well. A voice that protected my cold, dark heart from freezing over. Though that is when I stopped thinking like a Queen. His voice, it sounded like the ghost of someone I once knew… I tilted my head up to see the face that lay behind the hood. I could not move. His eyes were so familiar… I could even see underneath the hood they belonged to him. His eyes. The eyes of the man who died so many years ago. I knew my parents lied when they wanted me to do something. Most of the time, the subject was dear to my heart. Their manipulation controlled my heart. Had the Sheriff conspired with them? So many questions went through my head that I could barely say a word. 

Two arrows flew at my feet only inches away from piercing my oversized heels. “I said stand up!” He repeated. 

After hearing his stern, deep voice again confirmed it. I remembered how he and I had snuck away and rode our horses out in the forest. He would get into fights with other men who attempted to beguile me. How we would go to the local Pub to get away from our parents. That was when I loved to drink what the bartender set in front of me. I remembered how we planned the wedding that would never come to pass. I could say nothing but stand, slowly and weakly. I had never enjoyed wearing heels or gowns. I only wanted to wear those plain clothes young, low-born nobles wore.

“James?” I asked softly. The guilt of all my actions were not setting in just yet. All I wanted to know is how he was standing right there in front of me. Alive. “My parents told me you perished in the war…” 

This could not be possible… All this time I blamed Snow, the once beloved lost Princess, for his death. The princess who took on the new name of “Marian,” and married… the man I once loved… Part of me still hated her because of that fact alone. Did she know? I do not recall a time where Snow had ever met James. She was still so young. Yet old enough to become a wife.

Robin looked at me as if he didn’t remember me at all. It was a long time ago, but I had hoped he had at least remembered the woman he wanted to marry.

“Do I know you?”He looked at me as if we were strangers, which pierced my heart more than any arrow. It hurt. Emotions that I kept locked away had finally resurfaced. Hurt, anger, love… and worst of all guilt. I killed the second woman he fell in love with. I deserved any arrow shot through me. I could feel my necklace getting heavier and pouring heat onto my breast through my thick bodice. “That must be another lie the late Sheriff spread,” he added with a bitter laugh. “Now, you are coming with me. If I hear you cry for help or scream I assure you that I will not miss.”

Perhaps I deserve that. Let him kill me for my crimes against him. Die at the hands of the man I once loved. I forced a smirk as my pendant grew hotter… almost too hot to touch. One I have used many times in my manipulations. Surely “Robin” knew of Snow’s true identity. For now, I would pretend to be in charge… when in reality I just want that arrow between my eyes.  

“Did Snow teach you that? What kind of name is Robin, anyway? You like birds or something? And are you sure that’s even necessary? This city will fall apart without me. Well, more than it already is… Nice job with the Sheriff could not have done it better myself.”

I jumped a little when two arrows flung at my feet again. Now he aimed another arrow directly at my heart. Go ahead, my love… finish me off. There is nothing left for me, anyway. I thought to myself. 

Now, my patience is running thin. You either come with me alive or I will shoot this arrow right into your heart. Your choice, it does not matter to me if you live or die,” he said.

I did not bat an eye as the pain in my chest became unbearable. “Go ahead. It is not like John would mourn me. He loved his first wife and his dear Snow more than he could ever love me. I have only loved one man, and I thought he was dead… I sought revenge only for it to be a lie. She was innocent of the crimes I put on her. You found a new love in her and I murdered her in anger. Go ahead. The real me died when she thought you did.” 

I did not expect what I saw next. It was as if my words struck him. He lowered the bow and put it away. He walked closer to me to retrieve his arrows, still at my feet. I could smell the ashes left by fires that engulfed the city and the castle wafting from his hood and the sweet, musky scent I remember from our youth. That aroma I loved so much when he held me in his arms back then. I could feel the tiredness he had even before he spoke his next words. 

“I do not understand what you are talking about.” His voice was softer. As if the rage began to subside with the knowledge of familiarity. “I shall ask again, how do you know me. No one has called me by that name in years.”

“You do not remember your first love do you?” My voice was softer. The most apologetic that I could give. I did not deserve his forgiveness. He should have shot me with my provoking remarks. “Princess Snow was the one who suggested that you join the military to prove your worth to my parents. When I thought you had died… I had blamed her. They forced me to marry John after his first wife died. She was my best friend. My anger turned me to manipulate John’s already tormented mind into thinking his favorite princess was plotting against him. She ran off, and I found out later, she had changed her appearance and name to Marian. I never left the castle, but used my hatred to manipulate others to get my revenge… If I had known… I would have done none of this.”

He gave a scowl. I thought this confession would be the one to bring him to kill me but that never happened. All I could see in his beautiful emerald eyes was disbelief and fatigue.

 “I remember a woman I loved a long time ago. She wore plain clothes often and never the elaborate gowns that royals wear. I called her Isa. It was a long time ago. Another life. I told her to wait for me when I came back.”

My heart ached even more. Something I had not felt in years. I waited. Until they told me he had perished in the Crusades. He was still angry that I killed Snow, but he could not kill me. Perhaps knowing the one I once loved hated me would be better than the hurt I saw in his eyes. His actions and knowledge of the past made it worse. He no longer wanted to kill me but showed pity instead. Before I could say another word to him, however, there was a commotion in the halls. I could hear the guards scrambling in a frantic mess. 

“We must find him and protect the Queen!” Exclaimed the voice of the head guard.

James turned to me as if I were that Isa that I used to be. “We need to leave. Now. It seems your men have found the King dead in his chambers.”

Leave? I thought to myself. He still wants to take me away from here? My thoughts mattered no more… I cared not if he was just taking me with him as a hostage. James was giving me freedom. As if my hatred held together it, the necklace I wore fell off of my neck shattering on the ground. It was as they broke if the chains of my prison with the clang of a simple pendant.

The only problem now was the dress… and heels. The heels were an easy fix as I kicked them off, but the gown was so heavy. The corset underneath dug into my ribs like a boa to its prey. There is no way I could run without slowing him down. “I cannot run in this dress… I would only slow you down. Go without me, I will tell them another way to give you time… Put an arrow in me. You want your true revenge on Snow… Marian… I can survive long enough to tell them the wrong way.”

James did not seem to like my idea. “No, I have done enough killing today. Regicide of one Monarch is better than two on my conscience.” Instead, he went to my balcony. He saw a line of flags left over from a previous festival that led down into the town’s square. It was a miracle they had not burned down yet. He held out his hand and my heart fluttered with excitement. Getting out of here was the one thing I had always wanted. “Do you trust me Isa?” 

Calling me by the long-forgotten nickname confirmed my next decisions. I quickly placed the crown I was wearing on the table and used a very sharp letter opener to cut open my gown and corset leaving only my underdress. It was a scandalous decision, but a practical one. I could do it quick enough thanks to the adrenaline and the lack of weight keeping me down. The Kingdom had no further need for me. I bore John heirs just as the previous Queen had. I took his warm, calloused hand joining him on the balcony. “Yes, I always have… with my life.”

Without another word, he took me by the waist and held me close. Using his bow, he hooked it onto the sturdy rope and drove us out by sliding down to the ground below holding me close to him. It was something out of a romantic adventure novel that I would read in my spare time. When we finally made it to the ground, He took my hand with a handsome smirk and started running with me. “Come on, let us make haste to those trees,” he pulled me with him towards the outskirts of the Sherwood Forest closest the castle. 

I was regretting not wearing any kind of protection on my feet, but the thrill of the chase took any fears out of my mind. I could no longer smell the ash and smoke rising from the town or even hear the screams of the surrounding citizens. All that mattered right now was freedom. I would finally get my escape that I longed for so long. My grip on his hand never lessened, but grew tighter as we ran. I refused to lose him now that he was back in my life. Nothing could take me away from him now. To hell with royalty and gowns. To hell with keeping up the appearance of happiness and servitude.The feeling of the warm ground on my feet was refreshing. Something I haven’t felt in years. We had ran through the woods and meadows so many times with nothing but our bare feet and plain clothes. It reminded me of our childhood.  Times when things were simpler. 

“There should be stables nearby. We can take two of the horses to get out quicker,” I said as we kept running. 

“Good plan, you are not going to try and beat me in a race again are you?” He looked back with a playful smirk. I smiled never letting go. That was the smirk I fell in love with. There was nothing left for me in Nottinghamshire. Except…

“Stop right there, outlaw.” The voice was familiar… too familiar. James placed me behind him protectively as the sharp blade of a falchion sword came from behind an old oak tree. My father’s emotionless and stern eyes came towards us making sure the blade was close enough to make a tiny cut on James’ throat. I could smell the blood trickling down. It was not much, but it was there… it smelled sweet.

“Isabella, go back to the castle at once and I will let him go. He is dead to you. You are Queen. Your mother and I did everything for you to be in this position and this is how you repay us? If you run, I will blame you for everything. Say that you had slain the King to run off with this outlaw.” 

His form never altered. The anger deep down inside me was finally about to blow. What did he mean… everything? “Father… you say everything… What do you mean by that claim?” If they were responsible for Isabella’s death… and the lies they told me…

James held his stance. He seemed unafraid of my father, even if I was.  “That doesn’t make much sense to me, it is too damaging to your ego that a simple outlaw had done all of this?” He asked bravely.

Isa’s father glared right through him as if he were a bug underneath of his boot. He spoke to James as if I never existed behind him. “We told the narrative of your death so that Isabella could be the Queen that we intended her to be. I have no sons and she is the only child her mother gave me before she died giving birth to her. I taught her the magic of manipulation to help her achieve that goal. I even gave her a wedding gift to make sure that her anger never quelled and consumed her. Obviously that must have broke the moment she knew you were alive. I wanted my bloodline take Nottingham entirely, but they demoted me once they knew my only heir was a female. You impeded my plan. The mother she knows is a noble of low birth and followed every order I gave her. Snow tried to help make things better for Isabella. I told my wife to suggest to her that making you a war hero would be the only thing to make us accept you as my daughter’s husband. We were the ones to send the attack on you in hopes you would die. The sheriff told us it was successful, so that is how we went on with our plans. To take down the monarchy and take over from the inside.”

Everything he was saying was making me more and more angry. If what he said was true… that meant that they had manipulated me my entire my life. “The mother that had raised me was nothing but a replacement… You never told me this. Why? You… did all of this?” My anger was raging. To the point I wanted to kill my own father. He was the one who I needed to dispose of. 

“They did, using you and the sheriff as pawns.” James said with a cold calm to his voice as he understood. He was still furious but this time it was not towards me. I was just a pawn myself, used by my father. Manipulated into blaming an innocent child that he loved. I still did not deserve his forgiveness… but at least now I knew he did not hate me. “Though you did not count on me living and becoming Robin Hood” He said as he looked at him. “Though, I have a few things that you did not count on” He said, his hand reaching into his back pocket. Quietly. 

Before James could whip out his concealed weapon, something very unexpected happened. An arrow flew through the flesh of my father splattering blood on both of us. From the surprised look on James’ face, the arrows did not belong to anyone he knew. In an instant, he fell to the ground before James could even comprehend what was happening. The taste of metallic entered my surprised mouth. Before I could spit it out I got… Visions.

Far-away lands, Vamneys, Lykens, Camelot, Arabia… All these crazy things came to my head at once. Memories of living 16 for a lifetime, Princess of Camelot, a Vizier and lover of a King… All… lives I had lived. With James… I looked up at him and it seemed as if the blood had not given him memories as it had in many lives before this. The essence that shows us who our true selves are.

“Isa? Are you all right?” he asked helping me up from the ground.

He looked me over seemingly to see if this mysterious assassin hit me. It was a little hard to remember my name was Isa now. The names of the past flew through my mind instead. I took a bit of blood from his cheek and placed it in his mouth. It startled him, the sudden taste of blood and the memories that flooded to him afterwards. He leaned against a bloody fur tree for support. When his own headache was over, he looked down at me and whispered “Teri…” The name of the first life we shared. I cried tears of blood as I looked up at his words. Those arrows that killed my father… It must have been from him. 

James wasted no time scooping me up in his arms kissing me hard against a tree.  Nottinghamshire meant nothing to us now. There were no words, but he forgave all. Just like in all the times in the past where I went dark. He was always my knight that guided me to the light. My soulmate. We would put our dark past behind us and start a new life together. Finally, live a life where we can be at peace… at least that was what I had hoped.

“The city is still burning… we should probably leave…” I told him after pulling away from the kiss.

“Oh come now, I thought you liked fire,” he smirked down at me.

“Not when there are soldiers looking for us!” 

“Still no fun are you?” He playfully nudged me before taking my hand and running to the stables. I took my favorite mare, and he took the King’s stallion. 

We rode through the forest never looking back at Nottingham. The love of my life had come back from the dead. He was taking me far away where we could live in the woods as outlaws but in peace. Living the life away from royalty would be hard, but living in a place full of memories of the horrible things I had done was worse. Our horses galloped in unison through an open field just before the Forest where we could be free. This was a new life. A new me… until a poisoned dagger pierced my heart. I fell to the ground in pain, feeling the liquid pumping through my veins. I knew it well. It was the same poison that I used on Snow. This must be revenge from Scarlett. He fancied “Robin,” perhaps he was angry that his heart yearned for another. For me. They cut the wound deep into my back and blood was coming out of me quickly causing my consciousness to fade deeper and deeper. I could feel my lungs fail as I looked into Robin’s eyes. Another wasted life. Here is to the hope that my next life will be better and that I find him once more…


The Hobbit and Psychology

I have always been a fan of psychology. Though, for me it’s more of the theory behind it and not the scientific part or even the memorization of terms or anything. Since I write fantasy and enjoy writing for villains the most, I feel like it’s fascinating to figure out how and why a villain (or hero for that matter) does what they do. This is why my favorite part of character development is getting inside the head of the character. 

Since psychoanalytic theory focuses on Freudian psychology, I am going to use an example from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. I think an interesting way to look at it is through different races and the character of Gandalf to show the ID, Ego, and Superego. 

Dwarves as the Id

As a fan of the elven race, rather than the dwarf, (sorry dwarves!) I feel as though the race of Dwarves could be used to show the Id of the story. They are naturally brash, and intake a lot of food and wine. This is shown in the very first chapter where the entire band of Dwarves come to poor Bilbo’s home and take their fill of food and wine. They also have a nasty temper.

In chapter 17 specifically, “The Clouds Burst”, Thorin becomes greedy and insists that he take the Arkenstone for himself. When he finds out that Bilbo had given the stone to Bard, Thorin lunged at him with anger that could be seen as animalistic.

Hobbits as the Ego

For the race of hobbits, I feel like they can be described as the Ego of the story. Hobbits are very social creatures and always care about what others think.

“This hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and his name was Baggins. The Bagginses had lived in a neighborhood of The Hill for a time out of mind, and people considered them very respectable, not only because they were rich, but also because they never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him,” (Tolkien 3).

This passage could explain what the hobbit society deems socially acceptable. In this case, society favors those who are not only rich, but keep to their community and never do anything out of the ordinary or spontaneous. 

Gandalf as the Superego

I feel as though in some ways Gandalf the Grey can be seen as the Superego. Throughout this story and that of The Lord of the Rings, Gandalf is used to guide the company throughout their adventures and at times acts as a conscience. However, when he goes his own way is usually when things go wrong.

A scene when they arrive at the edge of an Elvish village of Mirkwood is an example of Gandalf trying to guide the dwarf King Thorin before he takes off to leave them on their own for a little while. “The dwarves were inclined to grumble at this, but the wizard told them they were fools. ‘Beorn is not as far off as you seem to think, and you had better keep your promises anyway, for he is a bad enemy. Mr. Baggins’ eyes are sharper than yours, if you have not seen each night after dark a great bear is going with us or sitting far off in the moon watching our camps. Not only to guard you and guide you, but to keep an eye on the ponies too. Beorn may be your friend, but he loves his animals and his children. You do not guess what kindness he has shown you in letting dwarves ride them so far and so fast, nor what would happen to you, if you tried to take them into the forest,’” (Tolkien 124-125).

Gandalf can be seen as the Superego or conscience trying to talk sense into Thorin by warning him that there will be consequences to actions if he is not careful. Perhaps this could be a foreshadow of how Thorin becomes later on.

Psychology and Middle Earth

I could honestly make an entire paper or blog article on using the Id, Ego, and Superego throughout the Hobbit. I think the advantages of using this theory is that not only can you use it to see beyond the surface of characters or races, but also to flesh out different parts of the story and what the author might be thinking with each. I think there are so many things you can do with literature in writing or reading, especially with the theories behind psychology. that it is very flexible for anyone to use for any type of literary work or other stories.